Follow the lazy graduate through the world of work.

  • I am done! No more lectures, dissertations, coursework or presentations!
  • I mean who needs school anyway amirite?

Hibernation

  • It’s real, I am going into hibernation mode. I won’t do anything for a year. I’ll play ‘The lazy song’ by Bruno Mars on repeat.
  • I could so get used to this, it’s not even funny. It’s scary how little ambition I have considering I have spent three years of my life trying to up my chances to get a good career.

  • I finally have a social life again, I didn’t realise I had this many contacts on my phone.
  • Drink. Come home late. Sleep off the hangover. Rinse and Repeat.

Where my money at?

  • The money is starting to run out, I thought savings last forever. The mindset of a lazy graduate huh?
  • Time to get applying.
  • I was hoping to put this off as long as possible.
  • I thought life was one big party?
  • Was that Gandhi who said that?
  • Probably not.
  • Why would Gandhi say that?
  • How impressive would it be if I knew actual Gandhi quotes?
  • I only know ‘Keeping up with the Kardashian’ quotes
  • Monotone Kourtney is hilarious
  • I spent years trying to make myself smarter and I spent months emptying my brain out again and I am just having the weirdest thoughts.
  • Shouldn’t become a problem as long as I don’t voice them.

The dreaded Job search

  • Anyway, let’s update that CV.
  • This is so boring; I don’t remember what I got for my GCSEs! Am I actually expected to remember that?
  • I’ll have to dig out those results from the attic
  • This is going to be a long day

Procrastination ensues

  • Oh my god! Look at all this crap I hid in the attic!
  • Oh man, I love the notes we wrote each other at school
  • I am just too good at procrastinating.
  • My CV looks a little sad. Is it supposed to be half a page?
  • Maybe I can just increase the font size?
  • Okay, that’s a little better. How about making it BOLD, so it really stands out?
  • Yea maybe not, this looks like the CV from hell.
  • Google is not making this easier; there are too many templates to choose from.
  • Wait, you can pay people to do it for you?
  • Let me get my credit card(s).
  • Oh great, they do Cover letters too. Two birds.
  • This CV makes me look like I can actually do adult-y stuff. Surreal.
  • I think adulting is all about making small actions look like you moved mountains.
  • That was by extension what Uni was; make simple ideas look super complicated by using Synonyms.
  • Wasn’t that what Joey from Friends did?
  • Only then, they still referred to it as a thesaurus, not synonyms
  • Both are a mouthful.
  • It only makes sense.
  • So I will just google ‘journalist’
  • 5 Years of required experience?
  • Let me google…’Trainee’ or ‘entry level’

The Job Market faced by the Lazy Graduate

  • Starting salary 15k? When my sister was applying 5 years ago starting salaries were in their 20s!
  • Is this what everyone keeps referring to when they talk about ‘the declining economy’?
  • I totes get economics now.
  • Rather than taking an economics degree, just apply for jobs in 2017
  • Teaches you more about our economy than a degree does
  • I don’t actually know what economics is
  • Do I care enough to define it on google?
  • I have decided; I do not.
  • The mother from How I met Your Mother took economics
  • She was trying to end poverty
  • What a noble cause
  • That makes me seem like a selfish prick because I just want money for myself
  • Like a Jacuzzi or a Lambo
  • Yea right
  • Way to think realistically
  • Why are some applications so long? I thought a CV and cover letter is plenty, that’s why I paid for it.
  • Are you telling me it’s outdated now?
  • Jeez Louise, they want all the information that is on my CV. Just take my CV God dammit
  • Oh so after filling in an online form for an hour I can upload my CV now?
  • I will punish you by not uploading one.
  • You better care.
  • This application took too long, I’ll do more tomorrow.
  • Here we are again.
  • I think I’ve applied for all available job agencies and job websites ever.
  • My email inbox is depressing me with the number of job application confirmations and lack of responses
  • Cleared the son of a bitch.
  • Crap, I might have deleted important stuff.
  • Thank God, they are still in my trash.
  • Sorting through what to delete is going to take me at least an hour.

More Procrastination

  • I wonder what my oldest email is in my inbox?
  • 2006? Holy crap. I was a baby then.
  • Well no, I was 13.

  • Oh god, this is so cringe, I thought I was a real badass.
  • Seriously, it’s a wonder I know how to spell now considering all that text language
  • I guess technically I don’t have to know how to spell these days
  • Thank you, Microsoft Word.
  • Wow, I feel oddly satisfied. My email inbox is clean.
  • Satisfied, considering this was a waste of time.
  • Oh wait; there is also the sent box.
  • I’ll continue tomorrow.

Desperation of the Lazy Graduate

  • Okay seriously, no interviews yet?
  • I really need some income
  • I’ve been eating because of the frustration and now I gained a ton
  • I want to work it off.
  • I need a Gym membership
  • For which I need money.
  • Which gets me stressed even more
  • So I eat more – lazy graduate indeed.
  • Okay, I see the cycle.
  • You know what, I’ll apply for some random retail job for the meantime
  • Just for the money.
  • Seriously Primark? Not even you?
  • You don’t even give your employees staff discounts!
  • How can I not be good enough for you?
  • I drunk emailed my lecturer complaining about the job market
  • She says I need to get experience
  • I didn’t want to do this
  • I’ll do unpaid internships
  • They don’t care that I have to ask my mum for money at the age of 23
  • Interviews for unpaid gigs are so informal
  • Loving it
  • I always giggle to myself when they ask me why I applied for the job
  • Do they ever believe the little monologues we prepare about world justice?
  • It’s money dude.
  • That’s why anyone does anything ever.

Settling as a Lazy Graduate

  • I am taking this unpaid job to get a paid job
  • I wonder why that is not a satisfactory answer
  • It’s honest, isn’t it?
  • That should be sought after more than experience
  • So this is what it feels like to have an (unpaid) job – and all I wanted was to be a lazy graduate
  • Finally, I can add that to my CV
  • It only takes up about 3 lines.
  • I spent 3 months of my life working for free to fill in 3 lines on my CV?
  • Where’s my Ben&Jerrys?

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