Lazy Graduate Syndrome

Follow the lazy graduate through the world of work.

  • I am done! No more lectures, dissertations, coursework or presentations!
  • I mean who needs school anyway amirite?

Hibernation

  • It’s real, I am going into hibernation mode. I won’t do anything for a year. I’ll play ‘The lazy song’ by Bruno Mars on repeat.
  • I could so get used to this, it’s not even funny. It’s scary how little ambition I have considering I have spent three years of my life trying to up my chances to get a good career.
  • I finally have a social life again, I didn’t realise I had this many contacts on my phone.
  • Drink. Come home late. Sleep off the hangover. Rinse and Repeat.

Where my money at?

  • The money is starting to run out, I thought savings last forever.
  • Time to get applying.
  • I was hoping to put this off as long as possible.
  • I thought life was one big party?
  • How impressive would it be if I knew actual Gandhi quotes?
  • I only know ‘Keeping up with the Kardashian’ quotes
  • Monotone Kourtney is hilarious
  • I spent years trying to make myself smarter and I spent months emptying my brain out again.

The dreaded Job search

  • Anyway, let’s update that CV.
  • This is so boring; I don’t remember what I got for my GCSEs! Am I actually expected to remember that?
  • I’ll have to dig out those results from the attic
  • This is going to be a long day

Procrastination ensues

  • Oh my god! Look at all this crap I hid in the attic!
  • Oh man, I love the notes we wrote each other at school
  • I am just too good at procrastinating.
  • My CV looks a little sad. Is it supposed to be half a page?
  • Maybe I can just increase the font size?
  • Okay, that’s a little better. How about making it BOLD, so it really stands out?
  • Yea maybe not, this looks like the CV from hell.
  • Google is not making this easier; there are too many templates to choose from.
  • Wait, you can pay people to do it for you?
  • Let me get my credit card(s).
  • Oh great, they do Cover letters too. Two birds.
  • This CV makes me look like I can actually do adult-y stuff. Surreal.
  • I think adulting is all about making small actions look like you moved mountains.
  • That was by extension what Uni was; synonyms.
  • Wasn’t that what Joey from Friends did?
  • Only then, they still referred to it as a thesaurus, not synonyms
  • Both are a mouthful.
  • It only makes sense.
  • So I will just google ‘journalist’
  • 5 Years of required experience?
  • Let me google…’Trainee’ or ‘entry level’

The Job Market faced by the Lazy Graduate

  • Starting salary 15k?
  • Is this what everyone keeps referring to when they talk about ‘the declining economy’?
  • I totes get economics now.
  • Rather than taking an economics degree, just apply for jobs in 2017
  • Teaches you more about our economy than a degree does
  • I don’t actually know what economics is
  • Do I care enough to define it on google?
  • I have decided; I do not.
  • The mother from How I met Your Mother took economics
  • She was trying to end poverty
  • What a noble cause
  • I just want money for myself
  • Like a Jacuzzi or a Lambo
  • Yea right
  • Why are some applications so long? I thought a CV and cover letter is plenty, that’s why I paid for it.
  • Are you telling me it’s outdated now?
  • Jeez Louise, they want all the information that is on my CV. Just take my CV God dammit
  • Oh so after filling in an online form for an hour I can upload my CV now?
  • I will punish you by not uploading one.
  • You better care.
  • This application took too long, I’ll do more tomorrow.

More Procrastination

  • I wonder what my oldest email is in my inbox?
  • 2006? Holy crap. I was a baby then.
  • Well no, I was 13.

  • Oh god, this is so cringe, I thought I was a real badass.
  • Seriously, it’s a wonder I know how to spell now considering all that text language
  • I guess technically I don’t have to know how to spell these days
  • Thank you, spell check.
  • Wow, I feel oddly satisfied. My email inbox is clean.
  • Satisfied, considering this was a waste of time.
  • Oh wait; there is also the sent box.

Desperation

  • Okay seriously, no interviews yet?
  • I really need some income
  • I’ve been eating because of the frustration and now I gained a ton
  • I want to work it off.
  • I need a Gym membership
  • For which I need money.
  • Which gets me stressed even more
  • So I eat more
  • Okay, I see the cycle.
  • You know what, I’ll apply for some random retail job for the meantime
  • Just for the money.
  • Seriously Primark? Not even you?
  • You don’t even give your employees staff discounts!
  • How can I not be good enough for you?
  • I’ll do unpaid internships
  • They don’t care that I have to ask my mum for money at the age of 23
  • Interviews for unpaid gigs are so informal
  • Loving it

Settling as a Lazy Graduate

  • I am taking this unpaid job to get a paid job
  • I wonder why that is not a satisfactory answer
  • It’s honest, isn’t it?
  • That should be sought after more than experience
  • So this is what it feels like to have an (unpaid) job
  • Finally, I can add that to my CV
  • It only takes up about 3 lines.
  • I spent 3 months of my life working for free to fill in 3 lines on my CV?

9 thoughts on “Lazy Graduate Syndrome

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  1. Ugh, this is so sadly true (experiencing it currently 😂😂😂) the job is entry level but you need five years of experience 😬

    I really liked the post. Very hilarious and relatable. ☺️

    1. Haha yep. You want to bang your head against the wall when you read those job postings. Something great will come up for sure though, it’s almost a waiting game.

      Thank you so much! Glad you enjoyed 🙂

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