Follow the lazy graduate through the world of work.
- I am done! No more lectures, dissertations, coursework or presentations!
- I mean who needs school anyway amirite?
Hibernation
- It’s real, I am going into hibernation mode. I won’t do anything for a year. I’ll play ‘The lazy song’ by Bruno Mars on repeat.
- I could so get used to this, it’s not even funny. It’s scary how little ambition I have considering I have spent three years of my life trying to up my chances to get a good career.
- I finally have a social life again, I didn’t realise I had this many contacts on my phone.
- Drink. Come home late. Sleep off the hangover. Rinse and Repeat.
Where my money at?
- The money is starting to run out, I thought savings last forever.
- Time to get applying.
- I was hoping to put this off as long as possible.
- I thought life was one big party?
- How impressive would it be if I knew actual Gandhi quotes?
- I only know ‘Keeping up with the Kardashian’ quotes
- Monotone Kourtney is hilarious
- I spent years trying to make myself smarter and I spent months emptying my brain out again.
The dreaded Job search
- Anyway, let’s update that CV.
- This is so boring; I don’t remember what I got for my GCSEs! Am I actually expected to remember that?
- I’ll have to dig out those results from the attic
- This is going to be a long day
Procrastination ensues
- Oh my god! Look at all this crap I hid in the attic!
- Oh man, I love the notes we wrote each other at school
- I am just too good at procrastinating.
- My CV looks a little sad. Is it supposed to be half a page?
- Maybe I can just increase the font size?
- Okay, that’s a little better. How about making it BOLD, so it really stands out?
- Yea maybe not, this looks like the CV from hell.
- Google is not making this easier; there are too many templates to choose from.
- Wait, you can pay people to do it for you?
- Let me get my credit card(s).
- Oh great, they do Cover letters too. Two birds.
- This CV makes me look like I can actually do adult-y stuff. Surreal.
- I think adulting is all about making small actions look like you moved mountains.
- That was by extension what Uni was; synonyms.
- Wasn’t that what Joey from Friends did?
- Only then, they still referred to it as a thesaurus, not synonyms
- Both are a mouthful.
- It only makes sense.
- So I will just google ‘journalist’
- 5 Years of required experience?
- Let me google…’Trainee’ or ‘entry level’
The Job Market faced by the Lazy Graduate
- Starting salary 15k?
- Is this what everyone keeps referring to when they talk about ‘the declining economy’?
- I totes get economics now.
- Rather than taking an economics degree, just apply for jobs in 2017
- Teaches you more about our economy than a degree does
- I don’t actually know what economics is
- Do I care enough to define it on google?
- I have decided; I do not.
- The mother from How I met Your Mother took economics
- She was trying to end poverty
- What a noble cause
- I just want money for myself
- Like a Jacuzzi or a Lambo
- Yea right
- Why are some applications so long? I thought a CV and cover letter is plenty, that’s why I paid for it.
- Are you telling me it’s outdated now?
- Jeez Louise, they want all the information that is on my CV. Just take my CV God dammit
- Oh so after filling in an online form for an hour I can upload my CV now?
- I will punish you by not uploading one.
- You better care.
- This application took too long, I’ll do more tomorrow.
More Procrastination
- I wonder what my oldest email is in my inbox?
- 2006? Holy crap. I was a baby then.
- Well no, I was 13.
- Oh god, this is so cringe, I thought I was a real badass.
- Seriously, it’s a wonder I know how to spell now considering all that text language
- I guess technically I don’t have to know how to spell these days
- Thank you, spell check.
- Wow, I feel oddly satisfied. My email inbox is clean.
- Satisfied, considering this was a waste of time.
- Oh wait; there is also the sent box.
Desperation
- Okay seriously, no interviews yet?
- I really need some income
- I’ve been eating because of the frustration and now I gained a ton
- I want to work it off.
- I need a Gym membership
- For which I need money.
- Which gets me stressed even more
- So I eat more
- Okay, I see the cycle.
- You know what, I’ll apply for some random retail job for the meantime
- Just for the money.
- Seriously Primark? Not even you?
- You don’t even give your employees staff discounts!
- How can I not be good enough for you?
- I’ll do unpaid internships
- They don’t care that I have to ask my mum for money at the age of 23
- Interviews for unpaid gigs are so informal
- Loving it
Settling as a Lazy Graduate
- I am taking this unpaid job to get a paid job
- I wonder why that is not a satisfactory answer
- It’s honest, isn’t it?
- That should be sought after more than experience
- So this is what it feels like to have an (unpaid) job
- Finally, I can add that to my CV
- It only takes up about 3 lines.
- I spent 3 months of my life working for free to fill in 3 lines on my CV?
haha so long but really match with the lifestyle of a student, well thought of before you wrote them. Well done.
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it!
You’re funny!!! 😂
Thank you! More rants coming!
Good stuff! I can totally relate!You’ve got my follow. Check out my comedy blog and give it a follow if you like it!
That is literally the thought process in my head every single day! Like, not even joking 😂😂🙄 hilarious. Loved it!
Haha cheers! Great minds think alike.
Ugh, this is so sadly true (experiencing it currently 😂😂😂) the job is entry level but you need five years of experience 😬
I really liked the post. Very hilarious and relatable. ☺️
Haha yep. You want to bang your head against the wall when you read those job postings. Something great will come up for sure though, it’s almost a waiting game.
Thank you so much! Glad you enjoyed 🙂