Lazy Graduate Syndrome

Follow the lazy graduate through the world of work.

• I am done! No more lectures, dissertations, coursework or presentations!
• I mean who needs school anyway amirite?

Hibernation

• It’s real, I am going into hibernation mode. I won’t do anything for a year. I’ll play ‘The lazy song’ by Bruno Mars on repeat.
• I could so get used to this, it’s not even funny. It’s scary how little ambition I have considering I have spent three years of my life trying to up my chances to get a good career.
• I finally have a social life again, I didn’t realise I had this many contacts on my phone.
• Drink. Come home late. Sleep off the hangover. Rinse and Repeat.

Where my money at?

• The money is starting to run out, I thought savings last forever.
• Time to get applying.
• I was hoping to put this off as long as possible.
• I thought life was one big party?
• How impressive would it be if I knew actual Gandhi quotes?
• I only know ‘Keeping up with the Kardashian’ quotes
• Monotone Kourtney is hilarious
• I spent years trying to make myself smarter and I spent months emptying my brain out again.

The dreaded Job search

• Anyway, let’s update that CV.
• This is so boring; I don’t remember what I got for my GCSEs! Am I actually expected to remember that?
• I’ll have to dig out those results from the attic
• This is going to be a long day

Procrastination ensues

• Oh my god! Look at all this crap I hid in the attic!
• Oh man, I love the notes we wrote each other at school
• I am just too good at procrastinating.
• My CV looks a little sad. Is it supposed to be half a page?
• Maybe I can just increase the font size?
• Okay, that’s a little better. How about making it BOLD, so it really stands out?
• Yea maybe not, this looks like the CV from hell.
• Google is not making this easier; there are too many templates to choose from.
• Wait, you can pay people to do it for you?
• Let me get my credit card(s).
• Oh great, they do Cover letters too. Two birds.
• This CV makes me look like I can actually do adult-y stuff. Surreal.
• I think adulting is all about making small actions look like you moved mountains.
• That was by extension what Uni was; synonyms.
• Wasn’t that what Joey from Friends did?
• Only then, they still referred to it as a thesaurus, not synonyms
• Both are a mouthful.
• It only makes sense.
• So I will just google ‘journalist’
• 5 Years of required experience?
• Let me google…’Trainee’ or ‘entry level’

The Job Market faced by the Lazy Graduate

• Starting salary 15k?
• Is this what everyone keeps referring to when they talk about ‘the declining economy’?
• I totes get economics now.
• Rather than taking an economics degree, just apply for jobs in 2017
• Teaches you more about our economy than a degree does
• I don’t actually know what economics is
• Do I care enough to define it on google?
• I have decided; I do not.
• The mother from How I met Your Mother took economics
• She was trying to end poverty
• What a noble cause
• I just want money for myself
• Like a Jacuzzi or a Lambo
• Yea right
• Why are some applications so long? I thought a CV and cover letter is plenty, that’s why I paid for it.
• Are you telling me it’s outdated now?
• Jeez Louise, they want all the information that is on my CV. Just take my CV God dammit
• Oh so after filling in an online form for an hour I can upload my CV now?
• I will punish you by not uploading one.
• You better care.
• This application took too long, I’ll do more tomorrow.

More Procrastination

• I wonder what my oldest email is in my inbox?
• 2006? Holy crap. I was a baby then.
• Well no, I was 13.

• Oh god, this is so cringe, I thought I was a real badass.
• Seriously, it’s a wonder I know how to spell now considering all that text language
• I guess technically I don’t have to know how to spell these days
• Thank you, spell check.
• Wow, I feel oddly satisfied. My email inbox is clean.
• Satisfied, considering this was a waste of time.
• Oh wait; there is also the sent box.

Desperation

• Okay seriously, no interviews yet?
• I really need some income
• I’ve been eating because of the frustration and now I gained a ton
• I want to work it off.
• I need a Gym membership
• For which I need money.
• Which gets me stressed even more
• So I eat more
• Okay, I see the cycle.
• You know what, I’ll apply for some random retail job for the meantime
• Just for the money.
• Seriously Primark? Not even you?
• You don’t even give your employees staff discounts!
• How can I not be good enough for you?
• I’ll do unpaid internships
• They don’t care that I have to ask my mum for money at the age of 23
• Interviews for unpaid gigs are so informal
• Loving it

Settling as a Lazy Graduate

• I am taking this unpaid job to get a paid job
• I wonder why that is not a satisfactory answer
• It’s honest, isn’t it?
• That should be sought after more than experience
• So this is what it feels like to have an (unpaid) job
• Finally, I can add that to my CV
• It only takes up about 3 lines.
• I spent 3 months of my life working for free to fill in 3 lines on my CV?