Yes, you have a friend or friends that you no longer refer to as such due to their phone etiquette i.e. call assault. We don’t trust people without phone etiquette. It’s the same as distrusting a hairdresser with terrible hair. No not, edgy, or “out there” but just a very terrible cut. So why? Why do you sport an incredulous visage at the sight of your friend’s incoming call after sending her a meek SMS? Why does your thumb furiously move to the call reject button and feel instant gravitation by doing so? Allow me to shed some light.

Call assault process

1)    It’s 2017. No one talks on the phone anymore. Now that we’re here; speaking is weird. Stop doing it, it’s gross.

2)    We enjoy equal reciprocation. If we want 14,500 pokecoins, we want to pay £79.99(…right?). So if Mr X sends you a text, Mr X wants the action to be reciprocated, the same action. Or another nice example; if someone confesses their love to you, are you going to take it up a notch and propose? There is an order to things and you are going against Mother Nature.

3)    Mr X decided to text for a reason. Let’s coin it for what it is! Sadism!  Why? Because your caller is acutely aware that you opted for the less social interaction but still pushes you to interact more socially regardless. Call assault is prohibited in the 10 commandments you anti-Christ.

Call assault

Call assaulters identified

4)    The call assaults are done by those who enjoy their monologues. They want to speak and they want you to do the listening apart from your odd ‘yeah’ and ‘mm’ to fake you’re listening. In fact, it is completely irrelevant if you are, they just enjoy the sound of their own voice. This is why you chose to text in the first place, no one is going to be on your back to make sure you’re listening. If you didn’t read their SMS essay, you can just backtrack and read it when tested. The dynamics of speaking and listening are wrapped in complex dynamics and writing makes it easier and takes the pressure off.

5)    You go through mental trauma whenever you get the call because you are left with two choices and two choices only. One is to swallow the pill and pick up, the deed is done. Of course, this leads to the very thing you’ve been dreading not to mention leaving a big ass pathway for this to be the norm. The second is to reject/ignore the call. The problem? Your friend knows what you’re doing and it will most likely lead to a fight. A fight in which your friend deconstructs your psycho-social ways and finds some severe attachment issues reasoning why you are such an awkward fuck now and we don’t want to go there. We bury it deep down and continue our socially awkward ways because that’s the way we roll.

So if you read this and find that you are not, in fact, the victim but the perpetrator, don’t just throw yourself off a bridge. Do however take your phone with you.

This was a tough love public service announcement.