Call assault

Yes, you have a friend or friends that you no longer refer to as such due to their phone etiquette i.e. call assault. We don’t trust people without phone etiquette. It’s the same as distrusting a hairdresser with terrible hair.

No not, edgy, or “out there” but just a very terrible cut. So why? Why do you sport an incredulous visage at the sight of your friend’s incoming call after sending her a meek text? Why does your thumb furiously move to the call reject button and feel instant gratification by doing so? Allow me to shed some light.

Call assault process

1)    It’s 2017. No one talks on the phone anymore. Now that we’re here; speaking is weird. Stop doing it, it’s gross.

2)    We enjoy equal reciprocation. If we want 14,500 pokecoins, we want to pay £79.99(…right?). So if Mr X sends you a text, Mr X wants the action to be reciprocated, the same action. Or another nice example; if someone confesses their love to you, are you going to take it up a notch and propose? There is an order to things and you are going against mother nature.

3)    Mr X decided to text for a reason. Let’s coin it for what it is! Sadism!  Why? Because your caller is acutely aware that you opted for the less social interaction but still pushes you to interact more socially regardless. Call assault is prohibited in the 10 commandments you anti-christ.

Call assault

Call assaulters identified

4)    The call assaults are done by those who enjoy their monologues. They want to speak and they want you to do the listening apart from your odd ‘yeah’ and ‘mm’ to fake you’re listening. In fact, it is completely irrelevant if you are, they just enjoy the sound of their own voice. This is why you chose to text in the first place, no one is going to be on your back to make sure you’re listening. If you didn’t read their essay, you can just backtrack and read it when tested. The dynamics of speaking and listening are wrapped in complex dynamics and writing makes it easier and takes the pressure off.

5)    You go through  trauma whenever you get the call because you are left with two choices and two choices only. One is to swallow the pill and pick up, the deed is done. Of course, this leads to the very thing you’ve been dreading not to mention leaving room for this to be the norm. The second is to reject/ignore the call. The problem? Your friend knows what you’re doing and it will most likely lead to a fight. A fight in which your friend deconstructs your psycho-social ways and finds some severe attachment issues reasoning why you are such an awkward fuck now and we don’t want to go there.

22 thoughts on “Call assault

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  1. hahaha omg this is so relatable! For me, I can’t answer the call but I also don’t have the guts to hit reject, so I just awkwardly stare at the screen for 10 seconds until it stops ringing, wait another few minutes, then text them that I didn’t have my phone on me…Hopefully one day people will realize some of us really just hate phone calls!

    1. I am so glad it isn’t just me! I just leave the room really fast as if when I text them and say “I wasn’t by my phone” it’s actually true. I really like this piece though. Those crazy phone people should give it a read.

  2. A PSA indeed!
    I recognise a lot of that in me. I do like to talk but it’s reserved for those who talk back who engage the conversation… mostly thought I conduct my affairs through rambling messages.
    My pet hate right now is the unreciprocated text. I’m trying my hardest to stay in contact and be your friend but you don’t want to reply. It’s not like in texting everyday. I’m just checking in cause it’s been a while.
    Phone etiquette is a weird one. Tbh I think I’d be much more stable without trying to be sociable.

    1. Yeah for some reason it is treated completely different from face to face interactions. You wouldn’t ignore someone who greeted you, it translates to the same. Makes for a funny image though.

    1. Haha oh God, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. It’s honestly just for the minority that dislike it. I’m sure most of your friends are quite happy to pick up your call for sure!

      1. Hahah, no worries. I’m just messing. I love your writing style though! Do you mind if I write a response to this blog post of yours? Kind of like an, anti-texting message? ^_^ Lemme know!

    1. lmao cheers! Thank you for reading! I love how many people can relate to this, makes me feel less passive-aggressive lool. Can’t wait to read more of your stuff! Keep em coming, you have a loyal reader on my end.

  3. Love this post! I literally have a mini heart attack whenever someone calls rather than text! I’m just like .. no please.. just no lol

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