Awkward commuting is unavoidable. For many of us it is synonymous with pain and suffering and no, I’m not exaggerating (okay maybe a little). So I recently started a new job, the commute of which is bloody awful. It takes me right into central London, it involves tubes and people. I figure maybe a public service announcement for those who don’t quite get TFL (Transport for London) conduct is due.

A day of awkward commuting

  • London Bus drivers are secret maniacs and I’m starting to think they want to see how many people they can trip up and have a scoreboard to do just that.
  • The armrest in trains. It’s for one arm people, not for two to squeeze on and it works on a first come first serve basis. Unless your train neighbour is digging into your ribcage with their pointy elbow, I don’t want to hear about it.
  • While I do like the ‘lining up for the soon-to-come-train-door’ huddle, I never know where the train doors stop; how do people even remember that? Of course, I feel betrayed if I trusted a stranger enough to line up next to them only to be miles away from the closest door and awkwardly scuttle away.
  • I’m short. On tubes, I live in people’s armpits. No, it’s not nice.
  • For the love of God, if there is a cue, line up at the back. If you push in front of me, I will hurl you back.
  • The train is full, stop trying to throw your body in and pushing 20 people closer together than is already humanly acceptable.
  • Don’t make eye contact with people on the tube while you are squeezed up, as your eye contact receiver. We both look super awkward and dumb right now and we don’t want to be seen.
  • Give elders your seat. Surely this doesn’t take an explanation? Once you hit 70, you’ll need that seat and karma will bite your ass.
  • Great, you are rich. You have a 1st class ticket, well done. Stop trying to check other people’s tickets when they are also trying to sit in the upper class seating like you work for the national rail and shut the hell up.
  • Get a car. Pay London congestion charges.