I am a vegetarian who holds dumb conversations. Not a militant one, a quiet one who’d rather not bring it up unless asked twice why I’m not having anything from the meat platter.

The following is based on an actual conversation I had with my office buddy; a proud (wait for it) vegephobe. Bring the hate people – this is discrimination at its finest.

Let’s get to those dumb conversations

Max doesn’t have any dietary restrictions and clearly struggles to connect with my freely chosen ones – I do too when I am faced with chicken nuggets which is when I start to question all of my decisions I’ve ever made.

In an effort to connect with me and find some kind of conversational starter based on this new revelation, he came out with the question:

Aubergine speech bubble

‘wh…what’s your favourite vegetable’?

Yes, we’re adults, working in an office and we all sit on swivel chairs.

I appreciate the effort so I think about it, earnestly.

Me: ‘…Aubergines…’

Max: ‘Okay’

Me: ‘And courgettes’

Max: ‘Don’t they taste kind of the same?’

Me: ‘Yeah, maybe…what’s your favourite vegetable Max?’

Max: ‘I don’t eat vegetables, I am a veg.. I’m a vegephobe!’

Max: ‘…I do like Spinach’

Me: ‘That’s pretty healthy

Max: ‘Yeah’

Shoutout to Maximilian Schwerdtfeger, the reason this terrible small talk happened, which entertained me enough to transcribe it here. I have a lot of dumb conversations and only to realise that in retrospection.