Have you ever been at a crossroad (excuse the cheese oozing out of this metaphor), struggled making a decision and you just found yourself uncharacteristically darting left, and right?

I pride myself on being decisive. With people, with work, with what I think about things, thoughts and philosophies alike. Doesn’t mean I don’t regularly change my mind in efforts to grow, but I know what I think at that point in time. I know what I want, I know what to prioritise based on what I deem most important. Because I know what’s important.

The big decision

Suddenly though there comes a decision so big that you just can’t find your center. Whether to take it or leave it, whether to reach or secure and you are that one annoying friend that can’t make up their mind as to which restaurant they want to eat at. Just pick one – we are fucking hungry.

Emotionally leaning towards one while the security-seeking adult within me was leaning towards the other. Who is to say which one is better and at what time? Which one will lead to the least amount of regret?

Tug and pull

Will this decision make for a retrospection that stings? Because I do, I fugitively glance back, unsure and wondering. Wondering what kind of plot twist this will ultimately become in my book – one for the better or one for the worse? What kind of words are on the pages that are to follow?

Two sides

Is it the risk-taking nature that’s driving me or is it greed? Would it be cowardice if I settled or would it be a sign of maturity? Is this the difference between living and existing? Was this a calculated risk or just a stupid gamble? Is it a dichotomy?

I just haven’t had to make many life decisions in life. There was rarely a choice. It was always a one-way road ahead and I just kept treading it, there wasn’t an alternate route to get lost in. I just haven’t had much practice with these big ‘take it or leave it’ situations and I have this new found fear of regret.

The decision is made. I went with my gut, and for once decided that my brain may not understand the dreamer in me. Still, I keep turning back, squinting, and from afar it resembles a missed opportunity but when I turn to look forward to the path I have no chosen, I see the potential for the bigger and better. Smoken mirrors indeed.